Mood: I-don't-want-to-stop-writing.
He logged into his blogger account. There was a comment waiting to be approved. The name spelled ShAiLi - written the way he had always known it. Now he was staring at the screen, frozen and numb. The comment read:
“Hey Nikhil…Heard u r here..Call me. 041743xxxx. And yea, don’t publish this comment!! ;) ”
Nikhil’s mind raced into a flashback. The last time they had talked was 9 years ago, last day of their 12th Board Exams back in Mumbai. He had been searching for her on orkut and facebook for the past few years now. None of Shaili’s friends had her current number. She had probably kept herself out of contact with everyone she knew during those days.
March 12, 2000.
Hotel Ambience, Mulund, Mumbai.
He rushed into the hotel, sternly looking at his watch. “Sorry, I am late.” She blushed, "641 sec to be exact. How could you, Nikku!"
She herself had just made it seconds ago. But of course, she wasn't going to tell him that. She couldn’t let go of this opportunity for some mischief. She pretended anger, hoping to draw a few apologies from him.
But he didn’t seem to be in that mood today. For, he had come with a purpose. He couldn’t let her sweet talk get to him. Not this time, never from now on.
“I want to tell you something Shaili”, his voice drained off. "I think the time has come for me to take the decision, albeit tough. We cannot go any further from here. You don’t realize how much you have impacted me ever since we have met. All I can do is keep thinking about you. Now, I have screwed up my exams. My career has got affected, if you can ever understand what you have done to me.”
Tears trickled down her cheeks. She didn’t bother to see if others were looking at her. In fact all that had ever mattered to her in this world was him, and him alone. They sat in silence. She stared at his deep eyes. The next time she would be doing this would be nine years later, in a far off place.
He continued, “I won’t get a good engineering college here for sure. I will probably move to my uncle's place in Delhi. He has contacts over there. That’s my best chance. And please don't try contacting me...Please.”
Her tear-filled eyes twinkled from the reflection of lights flashed by the vehicles outside. He had expected a reaction here, but got none. He was irritated now. First, she spoils his exams, and now she acts as if she is not at all at fault. He got up. She didn’t change her guard.
“Do you want to say anything?” His voice was now as harsh as any all evening.
“If you have decided what needs to be done, Nikku, do you leave me with any choice? I am just an outsider in this, right?” she whispered in a sarcastic, but shaky tone.
With one hand swirling his Nokia 7110 and the other placing a 100 rupee note on the table, their eyes met, one now lined with rage and the other swelling with tears. And then he turned around and walked.
Over the years, he had consciously lost contact with Shaili and her group of friends. All this while, he had made his career. Professionally he now was all he wanted to become, when he had left her. He was now working in a MNC in the Services sector which returned a handsome pay. Currently he was in Sydney on an assignment for a short term That was when he read this message from his Shaili. He wanted to call her, but couldn't muster the courage to do so. All he did was to leave a voice message. Minutes later he received a text with the location of the biggest Coffee Club outlet in town and the time of the meet.
March 12, 2009.
Coffee Club, Park Street, Sydney.
He was running now. He was late. “Sorry I’m late.” She was already there, “It’s ok Nikhil. I myself came in just now. Sit down.”
He ordered for both of them and then checked her out for a quick second. She hadn’t changed much, very little for nine long years. Of course, she was more beautiful than the last time he had seen her. She wore a white tee and blue jeans. He himself was in the same colors. Then they looked at everything around, the furniture, the TV, the waiters, the vehicles on the road, everything, except each other’s eyes.
“How are you Shaili?” He initiated the talk.
She smiled, “I’m really doing great. I’m completing my Masters here. Just about done now.”
She paused, “It feels so strange to sit in front of you again! I never thought I would get to meet you ever again and that too somewhere far away from Mumbai.”
“Oh it surely is strange. But somehow I always felt we were destined to meet, talk again, atleast one more time in life after all these years.”
They sipped their coffee in silence. She looked into his eyes, the depth in them. It looked more troubled than the last time she had checked them.
She tried to be cheerful, “So, How’s life? How’s Aunty? Girlfriends?” she winked.
“Mom is no more..seven years now. Girlfriend? You really think I could have one, Shaili?”
Preferring not to answer the latter part, all she could say was “Oh, I’m so sorry about your mother.”
So he had no one in his world now. She got lost in a memory of a certain incident with him when he suddenly brought out what he wanted to, all these years..
“I am so sorry Shaili. I was an idiot back then. I was too immature to handle a girl. It should not have ended the way it did. You were no where at fault. I understand I hurt you a lot. Men do that when in love. But believe me, I was struggling myself. You were the only person who ever understood me properly and to-date you remain so. It pains to feel that I could trouble such a person. It has pained every single day throughout the last nine years, Shaili…” His voice fell silent.
“It ok Nikku. Relationships do go wrong. Nothing one can do about it. Somethings are just destined to happen.” She maintained eye contact - with the coffee cuppa.
“No Shaili. I watched my heart die all these years. And now you suddenly come along. There’s got to be a reason for this. Not everything can be left to destiny. We have the power to change things. I can change everything. Can’t we try again…!”
She looked at his face. She could sense intense pain. “It is too late now Nikku. I cannot allow that to happen.”
“Allow? Wow, what a word to use here! And why is it so?”
“Somethings should not change, Nikku. I know how I felt when you left me. I know how much I struggled to get over you, to get you out of my life. It took me 2 years to do that and looking back now, those 2 years were probably the most important period in my life. Pain that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And I did emerge bruised, but a lot stronger to face my future.”
“Nine years is a lot Nikku. Situations change, things change, people change. You have to change yourself. Don’t keep holding on to likes and dislikes you had years ago. Cause they are just not worth so much time of your precious life. If you couldn’t get them on day one, you will never get them, no matter what. The person you love the most also has the power to hurt you the most. It is bad initially; but slowly the hurt turns into anger. You realize that life is yours and you should live it your way. Time heals, and one fine day the anger goes off and you realize that person just doesn’t affect you the same way anymore. And life just goes on!”
“I remember every moment we spent together, every second I had thought of you. I don’t want to forget any of that. I never can. That’s the thing with memories. They will always be the same, never change, no matter how much the people involved in them change. I love my life the way it has been, I will love it in future, no matter what, cause I love myself the most. And then life is always fair.”
Men do cry. He wiped his tear. She was too engrossed to do it for herself. “Did you find someone after I...I…left you?”
“Please Nikhil…” She paused, “I actually was never interested after that."
A painful silence followed; one which could have easily lasted their lifetime. Finally she broke it, "Anyways, it’s been long now. My God! 3 hours since we started! I thought I had a better sense of time after all these years!”
He was staring at her eyes now. She kept herself unnecessarily busy with the handbag.
“Forgive me”, whispered one heart to the other. “Forget me” was all the reply it got.
She stood up, “Love we knew can never die; not this moment, never in the future. All the same, here’s my wedding card. It’s an arranged one of course. Due for next month in India..Do attend...” She could say no more.
With one hand swirling her Nokia N82 and the other placing the card on the table, their eyes met, both now swelling with tears. And then she turned around and walked.
