He was an innocent looking kid. Amir was a studious ninth grader studying in the famous boarding school in the foothills of Darjeeling. She was a cute little girl. Shaili studied in the tenth at the girls convent nearby. As with all the romantic convents of our times, the two schools shared nothing in common, but a wall. Shaili was famous; more so in the Boys school. Boys used to fight amongst themselves, to self proclaim a right to be the first in her ‘list’. Like all the girls of the sweet sixteen, she ignored the hormone laden wannabes who craved for her attention. Who gave these idiots the right to create the numbered list which was now famous in both the schools? She could never relate to silly things like love and infatuation. These are for people who are not in control of themselves. In fact, she hated such people.
Amir had never really ventured into the world beyond his mundane school. That was until he saw her across the road one fine day on the way back home. She noticed the all-too-common stare on her and just walked on. Amir could not sleep that night. He remembered the pretty face, the sharp eyes, the perfect nose, the curled lips, the flowing black hair, the flawless curves. The next day he waited an hour past school at the same cross. She did arrive and again noticed Amir blush away. Not one more fool, she thought. That evening she went to her aunt’s place behind her house. He was already taking his tuitions inside the house. He gave a shy smile and looked down into his note. She was surprised at the coincidence. Her mind always worked in weird ways. Was he really ‘stalking’ her now?
For two long years, Amir did not have the courage to look at Shaili in the eye. She knew it vividly by then what was unfolding at his end. He crossed her path all too often. Around school, in front of her house, at the tuitions, everywhere, with the same innocent and timid look. But he never initiated it any further. Anyways, she always knew the answer she had ready for anyone and everyone, the rock strong person she was. Eventually it was time for the story, if ever there existed one, to end. She got a seat in one of the most prestigious colleges of her state. She went away from her home for the first time ever to the city of Joy. Living in a hostel was so much fun. Her fiercely independent nature easily facilitated staying away from her parents. Besides, Calcutta was quite different from her Darjeeling and she always loved changes in life.
At the end of the first semester, she returned back to Darjeeling for her holidays. She went back to her school to meet her friends. Amir was now in the final year of school. Destiny though, had carved a different script for Shaili when she happened to meet him at the same road cross. He flinched and walked away in the opposite direction. Shaili stood numb. She retuned back to Calcutta a day later. But she could not forget Amir’s weird reaction. She thought about him that night, through the next day, in the college, in the hostel, the next morning, the next and so on. Soon enough, Amir preoccupied her mind. She wanted to forget him, but she just could not. How could anyone make her feel this way? She had to be her own favourite, not someone else, definitely not a freak called Amir who stayed miles away. Yet, when you are in love, you can only delay the inevitable. She waited for a whole year for the hormonal infatuation to subside. Obviously, it never did. Finally, at the end of the second year, Shaili searched for his Orkut profile and decided to mail Amir..
The love story set in as if it was decided in the heavens all along. Mails translated into messages, and messages into long late night calls. The usual 10p schemes by the mobile operators made Shaili change her number even though Amir retained his own. He meant everything to her now, and she found herself weak at her knees. She accepted that it was always meant to happen this way. With time, minor fights did happen, but Shaili was too smitten to let him go away. Stubborn as they both were, they would indeed fight over trivial things, and even stay without talking for days together, but in the end, it was Shaili who used to break the ice.
She found herself to be able to stay rational with everyone in this world. But with him, she often found herself emotional. She hated herself for this, but the love of having him in her life always overcame this self hatred. Matters of the heart are different she knew. Her best friend in school used to say that there is always that one special person in this world for whom you will go to any extent, lose all reasoning, and everything that they do, will seem acceptable to you. Of course, back in school, she used to discard this as being emotionally weak and susceptible. But today she knew, that one person in her life was always meant to be Amir.
Amir was now in Gurgaon. His engineering college was the best he could get into. From his side, he liked Shaili. Even though he had never met her properly all his life, he stayed true to her all through. His initial childhood infatuation had turned into love. But the way he understood love now was distinctly different to her way. Shaili absolutely revered him and would be ready to go to any extent for him. He had never been as expressive as her. He knew that he hurt her quite a lot through his subdued nature, but he liked it his way. Besides, their relationship had depended forever on the mobile signals in their hostel rooms; never did they have the face-to-face comfort. He did try to be more accommodating of her. But of late, the more he adjusted, the more she expected. Wasn’t she the one who initially used to talk long hours about the importance of space in relationships? He wanted Shaili to move away a little even though he loved her to the core.
Shaili on her part, recognised Amir that does not feel the same way he felt for her before. But she just could not let him go. So many had liked her before, but she had never even bothered about any of them. All she had done was hurt them. A few cases were extreme, but had she pacified herself deep inside that it was part and parcel of being born as the more attractive sex. You are meant to be bad to them, even if you don’t want to. But now life was turning it against her. She was now at the other end of the tunnel. It is always meant to be an emotional rat race, a hundred run behind you, but you run behind the one who never reciprocates to you. She brushed away this idiosyncrasy as a part of the human hypocrisy.
In the vacations after her graduation, Shaili got a job in a multinational and left for the city of dreams. Mumbai had a feel which even native Darjeeling did not. But some things can never change. Atleast that is what she thought. In the winter of 2009, seven years after it all began, Amir decided he could take it any longer. Staying in a far off new place, Shaili expected that extra bit from Amir. After all, he was the one to whom she could talk to about anything and everything. Amir counted 59 incoming calls in just one week, some even at times when she knew Amir would be in class. The pretty girl in the tenth grade he had so fancied was uncharacteristically irritating now. How could he even think about living with her for the next fifty years of his life when he could not even bear her for a few minutes on the phone every day? In all his practicality, he decided to deal with it right now and ask Shaili to stop fooling herself that they can go ahead together down the line. He decided to come down to Mumbai and make a surprise visit. Talking on the phone at this point would be unjust to the seven years that they have been together. Completely taken aback by his sudden visit, Shaili flung herself at Amir and kissed him for the very first time ever. Little did she know that it would be the last time as well.
She was aghast. “I just don’t feel the same way for you Shaili. I know it has been 7 years now. But I am sorry. I can be rude like this. I did try to be more accommodative, but I was just not able to be my natural self with you. Whenever I talk to you, I have to change myself to suit your expectations. I simply don’t think this can continue on a long term. I don’t know when it got like this, but now I have taken my decisions. It is true that you are my first and only love till now, no one can take that away, but that does not mean I turn into an emotional idiot like you. Find your own life from now on Shaili. I wish you well.” He was gone with his friend who was waiting downstairs.
Life turned around, and how. The only person for whom she really cared about, didn’t want her anymore. What was she at fault? Loving him in the purest sense, without even an iota of physical attraction? Loving him a bit too much? Being ready to do anything for him in this world, anytime, at the instance of a single phone call? She had helped so many of her friends in such similar situations, played the agony aunt’s role to perfection, mostly advising them to call it off as a rule! Today it was her turn to be in the spot. Rationally, she knew that she had to let go of him now. But somehow, she just could not. I am the world’s biggest hypocrite, she thought.
She got up in the nights holding up her intense paining head and often palpitating. Her asthma attacks were recurrent and intense owing to the state of mind. Her Herpes resurfaced after years. She wanted her higher education to work out. But somehow, she managed not to get herself through. Should she blame it on herself or on Amir, on simply on the situation? She tried hard. She indulged in heavy drinking. She started smoking packs a day. Do those really help those in stress? She found out the answer to be in the negative. Her work place was in a mess. Her colleagues just moved on to bigger things, while she just stood watching. Her life was in a mess. She was truly living on the edge now.
Often she found herself transferring all the hatred to her parents back home, who had no clue whatsoever about anything. She hated herself for talking to her parents the way she did. She hated herself for still loving him so much, for still believing that one day he will be back to her again. Above all, she hated herself for simply not being able to hate Amir. He was responsible for turning the practical and rational Shaili into the emotional fool she was now. A moment later, she blamed herself for getting so attached to him in the first place. Twice, she was thought of ending it all. She feared returning to her flat after office. Every night she would imagine herself jumping off the balcony. The thought of how her parents would react, and how Amir would react when he came to know of her death probably made her change her mind. On second thoughts, Amir might not even feel a tinge of guilt, she thought. Probably he would feel that it was her stupid decision to die, where does he come into the spotlight in this. But she always knew - Her parents surely deserved better..
She had to change. She made new friends, a bunch of them. Being alone truly scared her. They drank, they smoked, they partied. Each one had their own story to cry over. But she liked it here. These new friends, they stood by her, even though none knew what exactly had gone wrong. She wanted to show Amir that she can indeed live without him. That she was still strong from inside. On his birthday she wrote a long six page mail about what she was going through and about her stupid suicide plans of the past. She spent nine hours at a stretch writing the mail, finishing at 5am. She ended apologising; she will never ever consider such a step again in her life. Frankly, she did not expect a reply. Strangely, she did get one, a short one, “Ok. Tk Cr.”
“That is all? Just 3 words for the long mail explaining my condition after you left me for no reason”, she wrote back. This time, she was right, there was no reply. She was not surprised anymore. In the summer of 2010 Shaili resigned from her job in Mumbai and returned back to Darjeeling. She died while crossing the road cross in front of her school. Atleast that was what Amir heard on the 23rd of that particular month from a common friend.
Later in his life, Amir adopted a baby girl and named her Shaili. Against the wishes of his family Amir decided not to marry all his life. The number 23 stung him forever. But he knew that he had to bear the grim reminder attached with the number, every single time he encountered it. He could never be at peace, and in a way, it was not wrong. What Shaili went through, in the past year because of him, he had to go through it for the rest of his life. Life is indeed fair, sometimes tragically so.
Did she lie to him about never again thinking of suicide? Or was she killed in a genuine accident? Then why exactly at the same road cross where they had first met? Because Shaili always considered only him to be her very own, would things have been a little different if he had made just one phone call after that mail, encouraging her to come out of the depression? Amir must never have these answers all his life..
Quick Note: Written on 3rd April 2010, this story is an amalgamation of three stories - of people who are/were the most influential in my life. Except the last two stanzas, every single detail here is a real life incident..
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